That’s it. Over. I give up.
I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t know what I’m doing and at some point — I just don’t care about what people want anymore. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and realise oh my fucking god I have  class and I wish that a train would just run me over and save me the problem of living. Or a car. I walk along the edge of the platform (oh, you tease) and the merciless sky just taunts me with it’s expansive blueness. I’d estimate, the train platform is about 3floors up, just high enough to get paralysed but not enough to die. How I long for the decadent heights of skyscrapers and social housing. I feel so away from home and yet so close, it’s just a skype call or tweet away but it doesn’t feel like anything much — not when the horses and spurs come up and people’s expectations and desires like a wanting pull of gravity; face down, asphalt.
Going through the motions of thesis, and still no answers. Why should I live? Why should this exist? That question puzzles me so much. All this thesis is, really — beyond what I think of is, seems to be made up of other peoples’ expectations. Is it really my thesis? At this point? I have never wanted to be a hero. Not to change the world, not to ‘save’ anyone or make the universe a better place. All I’ve ever wanted, was just the freedom to live — not for my family, not for love, not for the burden of other people; I just want to be able to breathe. It’s been so many years. I’m finally here. After 20 years of hate turned apathy turned pity, can’t I just catch a break? This was supposed to be a reward for being ‘good’. 姿 be good, remember? I was. I did the classes you wanted, I said the right things, I did my duty and now I just can’t see anything else beyond more drudgery. It seems like I’ve escaped from one trap only to be shackled into another.
Maybe I’ll fail. Scott has implied as much. Maybe when I fail I can finally grab my passport, pull all the money out of the bank and disappear. Maybe then I’ll finally have an excuse to ditch living without dread-guilty feelings of making other people upset or disappointed. Maybe all that’s left is a dream — oh she had so much potential they’ll shake their head sadly what a waste others will say, underneath they’ll mutter total cop-out. Maybe they’ll never understand it, the kiss of cold metal on the skin; the smell of gunpowder heady like burnt opium and the odd sensuality of wrapping your lips around the bitingly hard muzzle. Who knows how close fantasy can get, when reality is nothing but a papery dance?
Thesis just makes everything worse. I pour everything into this, in a way it’s the absolution of work — my heart, I gift to you. (a gift from a person who is surprised to be alive) At the same time…………… all the questions, the modules, it doesn’t answer the most fundamental question: why?
Maybe the measure of success, to evaluate it – is how will it one day be extinct. Will people understand that? The extinction of the idea, means that is is completely crystallised so it’s no longer needed and it has achieved the necessary process and then — extinction. I know we have reached progress when things go extinct. That’s a sign of moving ages, the ‘end of era’ so to speak….. Maybe the success of this project, is how many ‘mind-forged manacles’ I have left; and that plays into the desire of staying alive. All the projects I have done after all, is a kind of therapy. The success of it? Do I still have will to live? How do you share that in a presentation?
But, enough of this (!) What’s important is 1. finishing the 3D models for printing (whyyyy errors!) 2. thesis presentation + glossary 3. web advanced homework