forest full of evenings

Still caught with 3D printing crazyness…. tomorrow will be another round of it (new errors!) It’s one thing to debug for code, but another to debug for fabrication, sometimes the only solution is to rebuild the entire thing from scratch. *sigh*  especially the marionette one, that one has so many errors it’s like hell D:

2pm was supposed to meet K.Wark, but we missed each other? So I left a note on fb + outside his door paper, and he fb’ed me back when he reached his office and presto! magic of social networking! Anyway I showed him the prototype and he seemed to like it & get it…. but most important he agreed to consider doing an independent study with him (YESSSSS!!!!!!!) I really want to do one with, just because I’m curious about him and like what he does (Dave thinks I’m starstuck since I read his work as an undergrad lol, maybe a bit of truth innit too. thankfully he manages to exceed expectations so I can preserve the omg so cool! feeling ) Anyway I don’t really know what to do research with him about, but he has a couple of ideas and we could do a proposal together? idk? I’m pretty sure we could find a touchpoint in any case

Went to ARC to talk to Mo&Mike about the 3d printing errors (again!) argh I fucking hate this project so much. I wish it would end. I wish so much in so many levels but since I promised and so much is running on this and I *did* get a great opportunity to go Documenta and everything so…. *sigh* I think once I get it over and done with it will be a giant relief and I can breathe and focus on thesis permanently. This entire project, just makes me so exhausted :*( I’m sure this feeling will be reflected again during the last few weeks of thesis but in any case once the show is up I will be SO. DAMN. HAPPY. (and sleep in. omg. all fantasties fulfilled)

Ran into Ted, who gave me back my Agamben book (Stanzas) which I’m re-lending to Scott. There’s actually a book I can’t remember where I left but want to re-read: Soft Apocalypse; and the other one (which I found yay) Makers. Actually I share Gibson’s sentiment about speculative fiction being non-predictive. The best speculative fiction is merely extremes of the present, brought back uncannily so it seems like a future.

After that I met with Clive, which was pretty bad :/ totally slammed and shredded (ouch) ‘only 4 lines even talk about your thesis, the rest of it is just phelgm‘ + ‘i have nothing to say at all because it [the writing] says nothing at all‘  and it was just a lot of harsh critique (even remembering it, i cringe a little at how awful it was) and then there was this whole long pause of awkward silence and it was just awful….. I hate feeling like I disappoint people. I really hate it. I don’t deal well with pressure

But okay, afterwards it got a bit better when I tried a different approach (showed him webgl examples and described a scenario. Or scenarios. ) A bit. And once we were on closer footing, he was like: ‘okay I think I get it better.’ and he said I should just skip all that historical context about net.art and corporatisation of the internet domains and focus on architectonics, architecture as memory (so architecture of mind, not architecture of cultural artifacts aka. more schemas less stalinist columns)  and that I should go and read up Borges’ in particular Funes, the Memorious and continue on the thread on Greek/Longinius and Islamic/Arabesque art columns. And then afterwards he was like: ‘for someone with such sophisticated thinking, you can be so immature sometimes… you need to grow up faster’ and also ‘sometimes you lose the forest for the trees’ and ‘from this moment you need to stop taking thesis so personally’

And even though it’s really painful and harsh, it’s really true especially the last part. I think one of the biggest problems with doing thesis (compared to other projects) is the personal quality in it. In some ways it’s good cos it definitely drives me to work harder, but because it’s personal I have difficulty thinking critically about it since it’s like not having any distance at all *sigh* It’s much easier when you don’t have any feeling tied to this, but it’s like dual instincts fighting against which is so fucking exhausting

….. and also I think people forget how old I am. I haven’t even reached the first quarter of the century !!!! I like to read and daydream, and admittedly I have pretty immature tastes — I’m sorry I cannot grow up faster, that sometimes being in DT is an overwhelming experience that is just too stressful, that I deal with pressure and expectations badly, that I’m not sophisticated or emotionally stable or all those kind of things and it’s all just excuses and yet still!!!!! reading theory =/= maturity. I just like to read books, that’s all. I don’t know, I really don’t know anything. And I don’t know how to deal with other people and their expectations of what my thesis is or should be. If there was just some way I could approach this with more distance, to look at it more critically without all that personal muddling/history bullshit

Maybe I just need sleep. I’ve been working on 3D modelling for the last 42 hours and when I close my eyes all I can see is NURBs and polygons

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