twisty-hand anguish of indecision – got my feedback; what should I do next? I think I’m overthinking this. The reason why my prototype worked is because I didn’t think about it very much, I just thought it was cool and left it at that. Now I’m second-guessing third-guessing quadruple-crossing myself; whether I should do this or not, whether it will really work, and it’s like a bad scratch on the gramaphone whether whether whether whether……
because now, I have ravens. I have ravens in a tower, and I think maybe – I think maybe there was a murder. I think maybe it was swiped, with lemon and bleach and the tang of engine oil because underneath that was the stink of blood. I hate the smell of raw blood. It’s very distinctive – sweet-sour metallic, like if you tried sucking on a metal coin. I have ravens flying; that wooshy sound – flup flup– and I quite miss it when my light bulb farm was just a farm (or maybe, was it ever?) did the lightbulb farm murder the ravens? why is the farm a “she”? why does it feel more and more menacing, the more I walk through it? why is the tower the colour of sunken flesh, all burnt and pink-ooze? and that ponderous sky it comes from, how can something so wide feel so oppressive?
It sounds weird, but there’s feedback and then there’s feedback; there’s the whole this-is-an-academic-blog and this urge to be absolutely honest – that I don’t have any answers at all, where all this comes from, I don’t know. Where is it going, I don’t know either. I don’t even know whether I wish it’ll stop and I can have a normal life and picket fence, or continue dreaming no matter how terrifying it is.
idk I’m just full of weird feelings today